The Apology
by clarinet-alto-4ever
Summary: Jasper tries to deal with the guilt he feels after almost killing Bella. Set during New Moon during the 'nothing pages.' Not too angsty at all. One-shot.


A/N: This kinda came out of nowhere. After seeing the movie, I have become obsessed with Jasper for some reason. I stumbled upon a Bella/Jasper fic, and this plot bunny jumped in my head. This fic was really fun and easy to write as well - always a good thing! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight by Stephanie Meyer, though I'd like to own Jasper.

I was furious with myself. Even the constant pity of my family around me wasn't enough to alleviate my guilt and remorse.

It had been two months since we had left Forks after that fateful accident. Two torturous months during which Edward had completely left the family. Alice had said before _she_ left that he was wandering down in South America.

Alice was gone too, and I was not with her. Sometime after Edward left she had had a vision. When her eyes came back into focus, they would have begun to tear up if they were able to. For a few days, she wouldn't talk to me, touch me, or even look me in the eye. And then with no warning, she up and left after a quick apology and kiss on the cheek for Esme.

We hadn't seen her since.

What had she seen that caused her so much grief and made her feel she had to leave so suddenly? I didn't know, but I feared I had lost her for good. Was there some subconscious decision I had made that she foresaw an ending between the two of us? She had told me from the very start that her vision did not necessarily show us together forever. There were many factors involved that might separate us eventually, but never did I think we would only be together for a mere fifty or sixty years. I was expecting a century at least. But fate never follows the advice of mere mortals . . . or even the immortals.

With the entire family split apart, it was just Esme, Carlisle, and me. (Rosalie and Emmett were off pretending to be a newlywed couple.) I found this to be very awkward for many reasons. First of all, I was the newest to this vegetarian lifestyle and still wasn't completely sold on the idea. The only thing that had kept me here was Alice and now she was gone. However, my only other alternative was to continue to feel the emotions of my victims, and there was no way I could go back to _that_.

I had considered Edward's compromise for awhile – killing only those with impure thoughts, or in my case, emotions – but even that had its flaws for me. Even a rather innocent person on the street could be passing by one day feeling incredibly angry at something, but what if I interpreted their anger incorrectly? It was too much to bear the thought of it.

Second, Carlisle and Esme tried so many different ways to help me deal with what I had done to Edward and Bella. They distracted me, talked to me, and even tried calling Edward for me, but nothing helped. Edward was breaking Esme's heart by ignoring the entire family like this. He refused to answer his phone at all. The only way he kept in touch was by sending the rare email. And even then, they were ridiculously short, usually with just a city name. Even without powers, anyone could tell from even just the internet how much he was hurting inside. I wished there was something I could do for him, and selfishly, for my own peace of mind.

Lastly, I couldn't hurt Esme. When Alice left, I was prepared to chase after her, but Esme's worried look and Carlisle's logic convinced me to stay with them, but eventually it just became too much. I couldn't take it anymore – the constant depressing emotions that stemmed off of Carlisle and Esme just became too much. And as much as I had come to love Esme as my own mother, it became too overwhelming.

It was with this in mind that a few weeks later, I left California and headed back north, leaving behind this.

_Dear Carlisle and Esme,_

_I apologize profusely for leaving so suddenly like this and taking away the last 'child' in the family, but my guilt is too much to bear right now. I must find a way to mend the damage I have caused. I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me, and should I ever come back, accept me back into the family._

_Always yours,_

_Jasper_

My guilt for leaving them in such a manner almost concealed the guilt I felt for lunging at Bella the way I did, but not quite.

_Bella_. Oh to think that name. I suppose I should have guessed when I met her that my time with Alice was at a close. True, she wasn't a blood singer to me as she was to Edward, but something about her had drawn me to her from the very beginning. I didn't think much of it at the time – I had Alice, and Edward became infatuated with her almost instantaneously. It was only during these past couple of months that she began to consume my thoughts. This didn't help my guilt at all. It made it ten times worse. Not only had I lashed out and tried to kill her, but now I was feeling illicit feelings towards my brother's girl, even if he had broken up with her and my love had left me with no reason whatsoever.

I wandered up through northern California and into Oregon. I knew the more I put off the inevitable visit I had to make to Bella, the worse it was going to get. I had to confront her though. Apologize profusely to her for all the pain I had caused and beg her forgiveness. And make sure there was really nothing there.

But every time I imagined myself knocking on her door, Edward's face appeared in my mind. He had so fiercely forbidden us to make any type of contact with her, to try to make her believe we had never even existed. Could I go behind his back? My friend? My brother? If I brought them back together, maybe it would forgive what I was about to do. And if I didn't, it could cause everything to be twice as bad.

Where was Alice when you needed her?

When I hit the Washington state crossing, it all seemed to become more of a reality. I was getting closer and closer and still had no clue what to say.

_Hi, Bella. I just wanted to apologize for attempting to kill you and consequently taking your boyfriend away from you. Oh, and by the way, I think I might be in love with you._

Yes. That would work just perfectly. I suppose I could just improvise when I got there, but the thought of knocking on her door and standing there tongue-tied did not set well with me either.

I was an hour away from Forks when I felt my phone vibrate. I looked at it to find Rosalie calling me. It soon stopped ringing and I saw that I had twelve missed calls and five voicemails. _Everyone must be looking for me. _

The first voicemail was a worried one from Esme hoping I was alright and asking that I come home soon. The next was Carlisle saying that he and Esme were worried about me and to please let them know where I was, but they wouldn't bother me anymore. The next three were from Rosalie chewing me out for leaving without so much as a goodbye to Esme and for breaking her heart so. It almost made me smile. It's nice to feel loved and have a 'family' even in this damned life of ours.

Not wanting to talk, I text messaged Esme. _Gone up north to figure things out. Please don't worry; I'm fine._

Shortly thereafter, a reply: _Be safe and take care, son._

I wondered if Edward had found out I had left home. I wondered if he knew my plans. I wondered if Alice knew what I was going to do. I scoffed. Of course she did. She probably knew what I was going to do better than I did.

When I neared Forks, I veered around to the side of town where her house was. It was late at night and I crept through the forest near her house. As soon as I got close enough, Bella's emotions hit me like an avalanche. I thought I wouldn't be able to take all that she was feeling. The angst, hurt, and confusion was greater than I had felt in a long time, with the exception of my own and Edward's when we left. _What have I done?_

In that moment I knew I could not leave here without at least apologizing profusely to Bella. I owed it to her, even if Edward never forgave me for reminding her of our family.

I approached the house on the side with her window. Climbing a nearby tree, I looked in to see Bella wide awake staring at the ceiling. I took a deep breath, a habit from my humanity I still retained to calm me. It was now or never. I had to do this.

"Bella?" I called softly.

Too softly. She didn't have vampire hearing, after all.

I dropped down from the tree and climbed to the outside of her window. It was unlocked. She was still waiting for him to come back through like he always did. Holding myself up to her window, I reached my hand into her room, knocked, and addressed her again, a bit louder this time. "Bella?"

She must have jumped a mile off of her bed in fright. Her eyes widened in surprise to see me. "Jasper!"

She just stared at me in shock for a minute while I tried to collect my thoughts, but before I could do so, she launched into a multitude of questions.

"What are you doing here? Where's Edward? Why did all of you leave me? Are you coming back?" By this time she was standing right next to me with her hands gripped on my shirt and her emotion-filled eyes boring into mine.

"Bella, Bella, calm down." And I helped her do just that. She released my shirt and sat back down on her bed, offering me a seat as well. I sat down next to her and readied myself to talk to her.

"Bella, I shouldn't be here, so I'm not going to tell you anymore than I came here to say. Edward would kill me so as it is if he knew I was here. I came for one purpose only, and when I'm done, I beg of you to forget that I came here at all." _So far so good._

"But why would he kill you?" More questions that I didn't feel like I could answer.

"Don't worry yourself about that or me."

"But I do worry about you Jasper. I worry about all of you and I miss everyone so much. Everything about all of you was taken from me. The pictures of Edward and I, the CD he gave me, all of it. I felt so alone." Tears welled up in her eyes and threatened to fall. I could feel her frustration at me for not telling her anything.

"Look, Bella, the reason I came here. I came to apologize and beg your forgiveness for my actions the evening of your birthday last September." At this, I could feel her surprise at my confession. I was confused. Why was she surprised? Wouldn't she be angry or at least upset at me? "I can't tell you how sorry I am for almost killing you . . ." I hesitated. I didn't want to put this next part into words, but I knew it had to be done. ". . . And for consequently taking Edward away from you. I don't know if I can ever make it up to you, but if there's anything I can do, please, I'd do anything to fix things between us."

Bella's eyes lit up in surprise. She hadn't expected this, but somewhere behind the surprise I felt assurance radiating from her. I didn't understand this until she spoke. "I forgave you that night, Jasper."

I felt like Kate had shocked me. She had forgiven me that night? I looked into her eyes and saw the sincerity in them.

"You don't know how much those words mean to me, Bella," I whispered just loud enough for her to hear.

She lowered her face. "I wish I had known that you didn't know that. I would have tried to find a way to let you know."

I nodded. "Better late than never, right?"

I got a smile out of her. "Yes, I suppose so." I felt a sense of doubt settle in from her. Did she doubt my apology? I didn't think so; she felt so sincere when she said she'd forgiven me that night.

"What's wrong, Bella?"

She squirmed uncomfortably. "I guess I just feel like once you leave, I'll be back to square one. With nothing to prove your existence, I sometimes feel like I've made the whole thing up. I don't want to go through all of that fear and confusion again."

Here was my chance to make this up to her. What could I do for her that would ensure our place in her memories? _Edward is going to have my blood_, I joked to myself.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

She pondered a moment and then hesitated before making her request. So softly that I wouldn't have heard her if I was human she said, "Turn me into a vampire?"

I recoiled in shock. "Bella, think about what you are asking. If I tried to kill you after seeing just a paper cut's worth of blood, imagine how I would react biting you myself." When she didn't seem to believe me, I stated it more bluntly. "I would kill you Bella. There's nothing else to it."

She sighed in resignation, realizing I spoke the truth. "I suppose you're right, Jasper."

"I'm truly sorry, Bella, but I'm not the vampire for that job. I sincerely wish I could help you." Nevertheless, making her a vampire would solve our problems. Edward would have no reason to worry about her dying by one of our hands . . . or mouths.

"It's alright. I understand."

"Is there anything else I can do?"

She reached out her hand to my face, hesitant at first, but then stroked my cheek. "You're as cold as Edward was." Such close contact with a human almost made me lose my nerve. I could feel her blood pumping though her hand that was pressed against my skin, but Bella was exuding with so much trust that I knew I wouldn't hurt her.

I took her hand from my cheek and brought it to my lips to kiss gently. She withdrew slightly, but soon felt guilty for letting her trust in me waver for just that short time.

We stared into each other's eyes and without thinking of it, our lips met in a short, chaste kiss. I pulled back immediately and pinned myself up against the wall, as far away from her as possible. I can only imagine our faces were identical to each other in complete shock of what we had just done. A moment passed as we both stared at each other letting the gravity of our actions sink in. Bella spoke first.

"Would Alice have seen that?" she asked worriedly. Was it worry for her or for me? I couldn't tell.

"I don't know, Bella. I don't think I made a conscious decision to kiss you. Did you?"

"No, I don't think so. It was spontaneous and last minute, right? I suppose we should just forget about that and act like it never happened, right?"

I wondered at the feeling she was giving off. It was regret. Did she regret kissing me, or did she regret having to forget about it? "I guess we should."

Silence hung in the air a moment, but I couldn't leave again without knowing the truth. "Do you regret kissing me, Bella? I'm very sorry if you do."

She paused. "No, I don't, Jasper, but we can't act on it. You have Alice and I have . . . had Edward. Alice means too much to both of us to let anything like that happen."

Bella was right. "I agree. Perhaps in another time and universe. I should probably go now. I'll keep trying to convince Edward the best I can. Stay strong, darling."

I got up to go, but she stopped me as if something had just occurred to her, "Wait, Jasper. There is one thing you can do for me." She began rummaging through her desk drawer.

I turned back towards her. "What is it and what are you looking for?"

Standing up, she showed me a camera in her hands. "Can I take a picture of you to remember you by?"

I smiled. "How about one better than that? Let's take one of the two of us."

Bella frowned. "But there's nobody to take it and I don't think my camera has a self-timer on it."

Laughing, I told her to stand by the window. I placed the camera high enough on her bookshelf to and checked to make sure it would get both of us when the picture took. "Ok, Bella. Now, when I count to three, smile and stay still. Ready? One, two, three." On three I pressed the shutter and with my vampire speed went and stood beside her with my arm around her. The camera flashed and clicked.

Bella's face lit up with understanding. "Oh, that's pretty cool. I hadn't thought of that."

"I've done that a couple times before. Comes in handy when you need to take pictures and nobody's around to do so for you."

An awkward silence hung over the room. Bella again broke it, "So, I guess this is goodbye."

I nodded. I was at a loss for words. Bella got on her tiptoes and gave me a hug. When she pulled back, she pecked my cheeks with her warm lips. "I'll always remember you, Jasper."

"And I, you, Bella."

And with that, I jumped into the night.

I didn't go straight back to Carlisle and Esme's. I hung around in Forks for another week, staying out of the way. I went back to Bella's room after she was asleep to find the photo of the two of us in a frame on her desk. Quickly, I removed the picture from the frame. "I'll be right back," I whispered to no one.

I ran back to our old house. Luckily, one of our "old" computers was still there. (I say old because we all had new ones in California, but this model was only made about two years previous.) I scanned in the picture, printed off a copy, and deleted the files from the computer. Before Bella had a chance to roll over, the picture was back on her desk.

I put my copy in my wallet next to a picture of Alice with a tinge of guilt.

We moved back to Forks a few months later after the Italy incident. My thoughts were hard to guard, but I don't think Edward ever found out about the night I had visited Bella, unless she has told him.

It later occurred to me that what I had felt for Bella was a side effect of the guilt. Bella and I only talked about the kiss once more in our existences and she confessed that she believed she only kissed me because of the loneliness she was suffering.

Alice and I never talked about what happened. She never said what she had seen in the vision that made her leave, but later told me that a new one had replaced that one and the one from many years ago.

It was a vision of us centuries in the future, still together and still madly in love.


End file.
